By C. V. Harris
I have no idea how it started or who launched it. Neverthelessyears after all of the women in my family died (they were theinitiators of all of our major family events and thingamajigs.After the demise of these women our family unit was left largelycomprised of men). In recent years, I started paying attentionto remarks that I’d heard growing up and today continually hearfrom other family members about how our family is considerablydissimilar or substantially distant from each other and how wewere markedly contrasted from that of other families. As a youngadult, I sold into that inconsistency and I eventually startedto believe it. Now, from top to bottom I fervently want to knowhow this mis-perception spawned. I had to see for myself if this“assumption” holds water.
For years, we never even batted an eye when someone describedour clan as being “distantly different” or because we were just“living our own lives” and rarely visited or even spoke to oneanother on more of a consistent basis. (Some live in differentcities within Chicago or have moved from Illinois altogether).That action or lack thereof was justified by some with theremark of “well you know how we are”. Only recently have I begunto exasperatingly resent whenever I heard that comment.
As I frequently do when a believable answer is not plausibleenough to curb my ever-voracious appetite for the curious, Iallow my mind to journey into an objective mode. Consequently, Iintellectually remove myself from my customary “familycharacter” sanctioning a view of my kinfolk with an unprejudicedangle.
I am returning from a trip to Windy City Chicago where I grewup. During my visit with my family, my eyes were opened to ahost of existing modifications although some were new ones tome. I say with resounding pride, the changes that I witnessedwere heart-rending.
First and foremost, two of my cousins have recently marriedamazing women who support and love them very much.
It seemed only yesterday when my sister, cousins and I were theones running around during family get-togethers. We were thecores of attention and all of our uncles, aunts and seniorcousins were doting on US. Here and now WE are the ones who havetraded places with those elders (some have passed on whileothers are well into retirement years and/or in ill health), andnow WE dote on OUR offspring and grandchildren. This new-fangledexchange of ranks swiftly required me to come to grips with myown mortality. These scenarios were continually restated insidemy psyche and I was once more reminded that time waits for noone.
My only niece (the ravishing beaut that she is, used to stick tome like glue back in the day and always wanted to follow meEVERYWHERE) now has a bubbly daughter of her own! I am stillcoming to grips with THAT one because it seemed to have happenedover night.
It’s reflective to see my cousin (who can be described as eyecandy and is as fine as the Denzel Washington’s and the ShamaarMoore’s all skillfully wrapped in one crisp package, and hasdeep dimples just like my sister), who is the Editor of his OWNnewspaper. He sat and interfaced with our relatives andarticulately discussed in meticulous terms “grown folk” talkwith the best of em. (I’m sure he will love reading that I usedto change his diapers!).
When I gaze into the faces of my niece and this particularcousin, I still envision them as they were in babyhood. Inasmuchas I try not to view them in that manner, I am helpless. It’s asthough I’m lovingly gazing into the faces of my very own son anddaughter when I first brought them home from the hospital.
Another cousin is writing a book (no I am NOT the only writer inmy family by a long shot!!). He and I were as thick as thieveswhen we were teens and we were always getting into mischief.Although when we were caught, he was the one who was able tomaintain a straight face (same holds true today) hence, since Idid not have as much restraint as he, I'd always burst intotearstained laughter and ultimately end up taking the fall forour blunders.
He and I enjoyed a heartfelt tear-jerking laugh about an OLD,OLD joke. The familiar vibe that we shared as teenagers stillremained as comfortable and familiar as an old pair of socks. Ifinally had the opportunity to finally meet his wife along withhis three sons. He has a family to be proud of. He has done wellfor himself and I am proud of him.
Yet another cousin has his own sound production company. He doesthe “sound” at concerts of popular recording artists and a lotof his clientele are the ones that we see and hear on videos andradio. I had the opportunity to sit and talk at length with hisdaughter (who is named after one of my favorite aunts who passedaway a long time ago). She is furthering her education and is onher way to success. I beam with pride when I hear the stridesthat the young people in my family are making.
Because of the geographical distance that I created in my lifethe family-tie, as I knew it back then will never be the samewith my cousins and my niece. People grow up, procreate andbegin to build a life interdependent of the lives that theyexperienced with their immediate family. But aren’t these typesof transitions supposed to happen? Due to the “modernity” in andof my family tree, I have accepted this latest trend along withthe new position that it puts me in realizing it’s not worse,nor better, it’s just different. Hey it is what it is and lifegoes on.
A few of the aged and pre-existing changes were not immediatelyrecognizable from the naked eye. Maybe it was because theyweren’t CHANGES at all, but had always been an actuality amongstour family. All anyone needed to do to see it clearly was totake a visually detailed gander and there it was in full view.The reality of what I saw pertaining to my family as a whole isthat the women as well as the men have ALWAYS maintained steadyemployment. I’m not talking about 5 years here, 3 years there.I’m talking employment of the fixed kind. You know the types.The ones who have been at the very SAME job for 30 plus years.THOSE FOLK. I know you have a few of those in your family too.Most families do. These people have spent protracted years atone job. Today they have retired from their places of employmentand are living the remainder of their lives in harmony andrepose. This is what people naturally do after no longer beingable to do what they’ve been accustomed to doing for a greatportion of their lives. Others have left one job and taken onanother. God Bless em. When I retire from one job that’s it forme!!!!!! Everyday I am trying to ensure that my retirement willbe just that. RETIREMENT!
With that said, I fail to see how my family “differs”. Where isthe true dysfunction? I say “true” because all families exhibitsome sort of idiosyncratic behavior within itself. Each familyhas lapses of time that they go without seeing or speaking,especially if distance is a factor. Each family has members thatthey don’t like or don’t like as much. There are always gonna bequirks, behavior or personality differences or traits amongstrelatives that agitate some. The fact of the matter is that wewill never like all of our relatives. There will always be one,two or maybe a handful of our kin that irks the heck out of usno matter what they do or don’t do. I am sure that I driveothers to the brink of combustion with the idiosyncrasies thatI’ve had all of my life!! Those are just the factual realitiesof having family. Nevertheless we indulge or ignore them andmake no material issue of it. We tolerate these differences orminor annoyances because we ARE family and we are all tied. Theimportance of the closeness that we all share should outweighthe insignificant irritants. The end result is the differencebetween what matters most and what matters much.
The most dominant virtues that really caught my attention werethat none of us are drug abusers. None of us have been in jail,or have criminal records. None of the men or women werephysically abusive to or abused by their significant other. Notone of my family members even smokes cigarettes, not ONE!!! In adistressed world such as we live in today, the formercharacteristics are momentous and say an awful lot about aperson, more importantly an entire family. Are we unusuallydifferent because we live our lives as productive members ofsociety? Beats me.
I’ll admit that we were all guilty of being distant for a while.When most of the women started dropping like dead flies no oneknew how to behave as “family” anymore I surmise. For years weremained in devastation. We are guilty of that. So sue us.
Sentence us if you will because for years every woman (who wasthe glue that normally kept the reunion that is coupled withFAMILY in tact) got sick and eventually died a slow, painfuldeath from cancer of some sort. Therefore, leaving the men to dowhat those women who passed on did best. The men that were lefthad no interest whatsoever in calling relatives to plan athanksgiving dinner, a birthday party or a weekend hob knob.They didn’t have to. They simply moseyed on over to agirlfriends house, or a neighbors house or your local diner andgrabbed a meal. What I’m trying to say is, it was the women, atleast in my family back in the day, that orchestratedEVERYTHING. With them no longer amongst us, the men were at aloss.
The points of view to remember here are the relatives that Ihave are family members of mine. I claim them with all of theireccentricities, peculiarities, quirks, foibles andunconventional behaviors. We all have them and no one isperfect. We are all woven from the same threads of cloth. Theyare part of who I am today. They are the blood that travelsinconspicuously throughout my veins that thrusts life into me.They are my roots and my end and my beginning. They are mysounding board and my cushion.
I had to travel back to Windy City Chicago and I thought I wasgoing back to visit an ill uncle and to establish some semblanceof a re-connect with those that distance and time pulled me fromand I’m glad that I did travel back.
I realize that I have a family that anyone in their right mindwould be fortunate to admit and recognize as being their family.I have people that are part of me who are editors, musicians,soundmen and writers. Correct me if I am wrong but aren’t thesethe some of the same job titles that we see when credits arebeing rolled at the end of a movie? Aren’t these some of thepositions that most rattle their brain spending countless hoursstudying to become while attending Ivy League Schools across theUnited States? And here I am lucky enough to have members ofsuch within MY very own family. Sure we might not see or speakto each other every day. But I guarantee you if I needed them Imean REALLY needed them, they would be there for me in aheartbeat. I can say that now but TRUST ME I didn’t always feelthis way.
When I was married I naively believed that I no longer needed mybiological family. (I was harboring resentment for my mombecause she told me when I was a young girl that my biologicaldad was dead. A lot of my family knew the truth and since no onetold me any different I was angry with everyone when I found outthe real deal behind this “daddy business”. Years later, andwith profound heartache and disappointment, I found out not onlywas my dad alive but within the last ten years, he was releasedfrom prison for murdering the husband of a woman that he wasseeing when he was supposedly dating my mom. My mom didn't wantus to associate with him and that is why she told us that he wasdead. I have to admit this was the one time that I was sorrythat I was always so inquisitive. To this day, I do not evenknow my father’s name nor do I want to. Luckily, my mom and dadnever married so I can thankfully say that he is not part of mywonderful family unit). I had buried my “ natural family” in myhurt and tears. Hadn't I experienced enough hurt and pain in myOWN life? I thought.
I blamed my entire family for a bad judgment call on the part ofmy mother. They all thought that I knew my dad was alive, atleast. Imagine MY devastation when THAT news was laid on me!!Whew!!!!!!!!! But true to form, eventually I bounced back. Lotsof families are full of drama but mine was full of death andtrauma. No wonder we were taken aback. It took years for us torecover after loosing so many women so quickly. We needed aminute to regroup, refocus and invent another game plan wouldn’tyou say? What family wouldn’t?? But we all managed to survive. Icome from an entire generation of survivors.
My wake-up call came when I divorced and the family that Ithought would always be there for me ultimately was not.Eventually I was slowly ostracized from them. After thathappened I didn’t feel as though I belonged to “anyone” or“anywhere”. I didn’t feel I belonged to a “family” unit.
If you’re married and you think the family that you married intowill be there for you, get a divorce. On second thought go forthe gusto and just get separated. There is no other way toremind one that blood although often doubted, is ALWAYS thickerthan water. I encourage you to e-mail me and let me know the endresult if you so desire.
Point being is I was drawn back to the very same biologicalfamily that I tried unsuccessfully to deny and ignore. It justgoes to show you that we are always drawn back to our roots forsomething. It is an inevitability that we cannot deny. I know Icould not and no longer want to deny mine. Thank God there is alesson to learn every day. Where would I be without MY family???
Today, this writer doesn’t care how it started or who launchedit. It doesn’t matter how “dysfunctionally dissimilar” peoplethink we are, be it a relative or someone on the outside. We areall part of the same gene and love one another. Maybe we have aquiet way of showing it. Maybe we don’t exhibit our love interms of how society dictates that we should. But the bottomline is we are all linked as one no matter how much some fightit, hide it, run away from it, disown it, cover it up, ignore itor deny it. WE ARE FAMILY. As far as I’m concerned, my family isa great-big-deal. My family is the one bind that I don’t mindbeing tied to for these are MY TIES that BIND.
© 2005 by C. V. Harris. All rights reserved
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